You run like a river runs to the sea...

Okay. I'm done. The self examination and the picking at myself with dental instruments and razor blades is over. Thank you for bearing with me during that. I'm by no means done on a whole but I'm done struggling and kicking and lashing about.

Any good lifeguard will tell you that the docile ones are easy. The people who go limp and surrender and allow themselves to be saved. It's the ones who fight and struggle and wail that they end up having to cold-cock that are the issue. I won't do that anymore. No one needs to cold-cock me. All that the last week or so was just me getting my head on straight for what I feel is the next step in my life--writing and otherwise. I won't wiggle and squirm and scream any more. I don't want to get cold-cocked. I will give into the irony of the whole simile and situation where you have to act dead to get saved. You have to surrender to win.

I surrender. I'll win. Thanks for being there for me. All of your emails rocked. Some of you and your kindnesses amaze me. Now I'm done looking back and I want to go forward.

My head's not on straight by a long shot, but hell, it sure isn't as crooked as it was. But I want to officially announce the end of the fear. I won't be afraid any more. I choose to be curious instead. That was in a book I read once about anxiety (best book every written on the subject in my humble opinion). The body does not recognize the difference between fear and excitement. It is the same chemicals surging through your system for either or. If you choose to believe you are excited, you are. I'm so damn excited I could pee myself! (she said over and over and over till she believed it ;)

I'll keep everyone posted about BSP. I plan to take some fun days this summer. We'll see what happens.

XOXO
Sommer