Side Effects May Include...

So, if you are a constant reader you know (scroll down, friend) that things around here have been a wee bit topsy turvy of late. There's been some fear, growing pains, angst, worry, anxiety, etc. A lot of you want to know about the BSP, too.

Here's the deal: BSP guy and I did not see eye to eye in the long run. So...BSP is still in the works but now BSP stands for Beloved Steady Project. Because I am finishing that fucker and it will go all the way to the finish line no worries. And right on the tail of me and BSP guy going our separate ways came USP! Unexpected Surprise Project! With a dotted line and everything. I guess the whole everything happens for a reason and my life knows what it's doing even if I don't mentality is pretty on the money sometimes.

Now on to the side effects. I noticed something today when I went to do something I've done for the last (roughly) seven years. I went to drop my kids off at the yearly summer VBS and I was around a lot of people who have always made me feel judged and uncomfortable. Let me rephrase that, actually, I always felt judged thusly letting myself feel uncomfortable. Today when I waltzed in there with my super fantastic how did I luck out and get such cool kids, I not only felt comfy around my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (whose church it is) but I felt comfortable. Period. I dealt with people who have always made me feel scrutinized and less than and criticized and I was smiling and laughing and just as comfortable in my own skin as I was in those beloved (now deceased) perfect jeans of mine that I murdered through overuse a few years ago. I was fine. I was secure, I was good, I was content, I was damn near fucking glowing!

So maybe that has been the point of the last hellacious, painful, roller coaster, falling through project, losing friends, man has illness last eight months. Maybe the side effect of weathering all the stress and upheaval and being forced to find things to be grateful for in the middle of shit storms was...comfort. In me. In my own skin. Walking into a place and in my own self feeling this way: Here I am, fuckers! Love me or feel free to kiss my ass. Because me? I am so totally good inside, you wouldn't believe me if I told you...

And it's true.

XOXO
Sommer
p.s. apparently this new found self assurance is visible to those paying attention. I have to say I've felt this way for about a week and I have never had more doors held for me by chivalrous men (from nine to ninety-nine!) in my life.
p.p.s. upon BSP falling through the boy child said to me "Hey, you know you liked the Cage the Elephant song? Well they have a new one and you need to listen to it mom. You NEED to. So I thought why does that ring a bell? Hunh. This is why. So great minds think alike b/c this is my new theme song! And do I have the wisest kid or what?